Ending The Homework Hassle

Whether we parents were told wrong, as Rosemond blames modern "Parenting Experts," or whether we heard wrong, certainly parenting has become a bigger, more difficult deal, with parents believing more involvement makes us better parents while giving our kids more self-esteem. But this is not working. "Involvement" becomes interference, helping becomes confronting, their homework becomes our homework, their failure becomes our failure- so we will become more involved to avoid failure, because we want to be Good Parents. And so, homework becomes an exhausting no-win battlefield of wills littered with intellectual and emotional casualties. The answer is to back off and give homework responsibilities back to our kids, along with the rewards (pride, self-confidence, experience and privileges) and the consequences (failure, redemption, wisdom and denied privileges) of taking ownership of their own schoolwork. Stop hovering, checking, correcting, signing, protecting, threatening, pleading, promising, dictating, bribing and exasperating in the name of homework. (What is that saying about teaching a pig to talk, or was it to sing? It's a waste of your time and it only annoys the pig?!) Even more importantly, if you change these old ways of all-consuming conflict, you will stop neglecting yourself, your health, your marriage, and your family.

I'm using the book to set up a framework of goals, privileges and consequences for our 10-1/2 year-old fifth grader. The book doesn't cover some specifics in his case, such as trusting him for the 3-1/2 hours he is home alone after school, so we'll have to work out some things as we go along. But already, immediately, I've had two important revelations. First, I've never written down consequences before. I always thought I disciplined using consequences, but now I realize I only talked about them, made them up as we went along, changed them, threatened with them, held them inside and then blew them out of proportion. Until now I've never sat down with our son and his teacher, negotiated, and agreed to attainable goals and consistent consequences. Second, I didn't realize how entrenched I was in parenting by micro-managing until I tried these changes. As much as I agreed with these changes, I still had great difficulty not following our son around the house and not asking, "Did you finish... don't forget to... have you done... when are you going to...?" Even though I smugly read the book and approved of all the back-to-basics techniques, I still had trouble breaking my old habits, supporting these changes in task ownership, and trusting the motivational power of fair, consistent consequences. We shall see... The potential is exciting, and already there has been an immediate lowering of tension. I no longer take bad behavior or schoolwork personally, I don't get furious, and the consequences are established and accepted. It's a start- a flexible, negotiable start.

Among my favorite quotes from this book:

"...if the child fails to do his homework, no one should get upset but the child, and no one should be inconvenienced but the child."

"Kids are smart, but teenagers are clever."

"It is a simple statement of accountability that proposes that parents should never agonize over a child's behavior if the child is perfectly capable of agonizing over it himself."

"It's about coaching from the sidelines, as opposed to getting swept up in the action on the field."

Read, enjoy, learn, implement, then learn more!

(submitted by Larry Borshard)


Great - Much to My Surprise   February 7, 2002
Tom Camp (Hopewell, NJ)
23 out of 24 found this review helpful

My wife picked this book up somewhere, but I was the first to read it. I wasn't optimistic. It starts out great, describing the problem(s) that many parents have, and describing the way things should be. Fine! But how do I go from here to there? Well, he tells you. And whereas his basic method(s) don't necessarily work with all kids, they work great with our main problem kid (6th grade).

In a nutshell, his teachers sign off on a checklist each day indicating whether or not his did all his homework, behaved, and completed his seatwork. It's his job to get the sign off. Any No's, and his loses priviledges (TV, phone, computer) for the evening. No's on as many as 3 days in a week means he loses priviledges for the week-end as well. If he get's all Yes's, then he has his priviledges, and we in no way bug him about homework. All we care about is the daily checklist. No excuses are accepted.

This kid never seemed to care what grades he got, and 'lost' or 'forgot' homework all the time. We wasted way to much effort trying to get him to behave responsibly. And all we had to do was put together a form, discuss the new rules with him, and talk to his teachers about it. It has worked great and his teachers are thrilled with his turnaround: not just on his homework but on his attitude and behavior.

My only gripe with the book is that the author, while giving lip service to the fact that there are as many kids that are below average as there are above average, nevertheless used almost exclusively examples of kids who basic IQ is well above average.


HIGHLY RECOMMENDED   September 22, 2003
16 out of 17 found this review helpful

Before I read this book, I planned and spent my afternoons and evenings around my daughter's elementary school homework, keeping me from having time with the rest of my family. I spend countless hours asking her study questions, definitions, and checking her work. I hovered to make sure she "got it right". I used the Internet to brush up on concepts and topics that SHE was to be learning. Now I realize that by taking control of her homework, I was not allowing her to be responsible for it; I was sending the message that she couldn't handle the responsiblity on her own. Boy was I wrong! Now, although her grades are not perfect, they are HERS alone and she has earned them. Talk about boosting self-esteem! And I am now free to spend time with my family instead of re-learing mode, median and range! Thank you Mr. Rosemond!


Teacher Recommends Ending the Homework Hassle   November 3, 2001
Paul Schwan (Ft. Myers, Florida)
8 out of 8 found this review helpful

John Rosemond came to our Educator's Conference to speak. His straightforward, common-sense approach caught my attention, so I bought his book and subscribed to his web site. Now, I recommend his book to my parents as a simple, common-sense way of dealing with the hassles of homework.

As the saying goes, "common sense isn't so common anymore". I find that to be true. John Rosemond takes a very straightforward, "the way grandma used to do it" approach to dealing with this important topic. Read it. Use it. You'll LIKE it!


A teacher's opinion   August 22, 2000
Kathy Bowers (Kailua, HI USA)
14 out of 19 found this review helpful

I read ENDING THE HOMEWORK HASSLE at my sister's house while on vacation. As an 8th grade English teacher who gives lots of homework, I was delighted to see in print what I have been saying to parents who ask me "How can I get her to do her homework?" I'm buying copies for each of the counselors at our school, and the parent of one particular boy whose father is in a major power struggle with him over homework.